What the partners of survivors of child abuse want to know
Difficult Question No 1 - Why is there such a stigma attached to those who have suffered at the hands of a child molester? It's as though some people have this misinformed assumption that 'those who have been abused go on to abuse others'.
There have been many reports written on victims who then go onto abuse. These reports were written in the ‘early' days when childhood abuse was getting more and more publicity. It is true that there is proof to suggest that out of a number convicted child abusers, 75% were abused themselves. The press have jumped straight onto this bandwagon and massaged these figures to create public hysteria.
If you read the statement again ‘It is true that there is proof to suggest that out of a number convicted child abusers, 75% were abused themselves'. You'll probably notice the word convicted. It is highlighted in bold to make the point that there are a far larger number of people who have not been convicted, charged or been any part of abuse, that have still been abused as children. In other words, there hasn't been a survey done throughout the world, that reports on the number of abused victims who have gone onto abuse children. If there were I am sure it would be only a very tiny percentage of victims who go onto to abuse others.
In fact, therapists report, that most of their clients who have suffered from abuse as child, are overly protective towards their children and with the right help they also go onto to make the best parents.
Difficult Question No. 2 - How can I really help my partner through a crisis?
You need to be a good listener. Here are some points that will help you be a good supporter: Educate yourself about abuse/rape and the healing process. If you have a basic idea of what the survivor is going through, it will help you to be supportive.
There are many good information sites on the Internet, as well as the information you will find in this booklet. Talk with other survivors and supporters of survivors. Many are willing to share what has helped them, or can give you ideas on how to deal with a certain situation. If you need help to do this then try and join a mailing list that will provide you with support and information whilst maintaining your anonymity.Believe the survivor.
Even if they sometimes doubt themselves, even if their memories are vague, even if what they tell you sounds too extreme, believe them. Survivors don't make up stories of sexual abuse or rape. Let them know that you are open to hearing anything they wish to share, and that although it's painful and upsetting, you are willing to enter those difficult places with them and to receive their words with respect.Validate the survivor's feelings: their anger, pain, and fear.
These are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard.Join with the survivor in validating the damage.
All sexual abuse & rape is harmful. Even if it's not violent, overtly physical, or repeated, all abuse & rape has serious consequences. There is no positive or neutral experience of sexual abuse or rape.Be clear that the abuse or rape was not the survivor's fault.
No one asks to be abused or raped. The survivor did what they had to do to survive. It is always the fault of the perpetrator.Don't sympathize with the abuser.There is never any excuse for abuse an adult does to a child. The survivor needs your absolute loyalty.Express your compassion.
If you have feelings of outrage and compassion, for their pain, do share them. There is probably nothing more comforting than a genuine human response. Just make sure your feelings don't overwhelm theirs.Respect the time and space it takes to heal.
Healing is a slow process that can't be hurried. Encourage the survivor to get support. In addition to offering your own caring, encourage them to reach out to others. Get support for yourself. You will have many feeling about the abuse or rape also. Get support for yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for the survivor.Get help if the survivor is suicidal.
Most survivors are not suicidal, but sometimes the pain of the abuse or rape is so devastating that the survivors may want to kill themselves. If you are close to a survivor who is suicidal, get help immediately.Resist seeing the survivor as a victim.
Continue to see them as a strong, courageous person who is reclaiming their own life.Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the survivor as they heal. They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response.
3. We have got two kids. Is it best they know about their dad's past, and how do we tell them?
It really depends how old they are. I personally would wait until they are nearly adults. I would only tell them if you think that it might help them understand their lives a bit better. For example, did you prevent them from seeing their Grand Parents, or did you move them away from the rest of the family, or away from a certain area.
The best way to tell them is to be completely truthful and honest. Tell it like it was. BUT, remember you have lived with the abuse and its affects for all this time. You have had much longer to come to terms with things in your own way.
When you tell your children for the first time, they will be in shock and feel lots of different emotions. You must give them time to adjust and be there for them throughout the period. Like all of these things I would seriously recommend you had professional help to make this decision and also available for your children after you had told them.
Difficult Question No. 4 - My partner's self-confidence was so destroyed that he does not want to confront someone when it is appropriate? He becomes extremely intimidated when he is being confronted. Is it possible that he can win back his confidence?
It isn't surprising that a victim tries to avoid confrontation, especially if they were intimidated during the abuse. It is a natural response to shy away from more confrontation, as the mind sees that it is protecting itself from possibly more abuse.
It is possible to overcome this. Re-building self-confidence can be done through role-play and gradual introduction to confrontation. The best way to confront someone legitimately is to plan exactly what you want to say, gauge the likely answers and plan replies to their comments.
The first couple of times it is useful to take someone with you so that they can take over if the going gets tough. Set yourself limits, for example plan to say the opening line, and then slowly build to replying to the argument. Take things slow and don't expect too much.
Never be afraid of taking control back, by simply saying, ‘you aren't making any sense to me, I am going to walk away, this conversation is over'.
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