Those difficult questions
Those 'difficult questions'
Since I established The Lantern Project, many victims of child sexual abuse, both male and female, have contacted me. They have asked me searching questions, some of which I found very difficult to answer. Fortunately, I have made many friends along my journey who I have been able to share my ideas and experiences with. One of these friends, Jamie Harms, is also a founder of a Survivor's organisation. His organisation, HAVOCA, has been a great help and an invaluable source of information. What follows are those 'difficult questions,' from survivors and from their partners, together with Jamie's thoughtful answers. We are all grateful to you Jamie for your wisdom.
Questions from a survivor
Difficult Question No 1 - How do I tell the people in my family as well as my doctor or the police that I have been sexually abused?
Deciding to tell another living being that you were abused is a difficult part of the healing process. The dark secret lurks within us; bringing shame and pain to our shattered lives. The hurt builds up like a huge weight on our chests making us feel like we are gasping for our life's last breath. We are ashamed but sometimes that little thought creeps into our heads "If only someone else knew, I wouldn't feel so all alone" It is this thought and the need to release this dark secret that compels many of us to tell. The question is. "How do I tell such a horrible secret?" and "Who can I trust to tell?"
Who to tell....
Sharing your experience is an important and possibly anxious moment for you in your healing. Choosing whom to tell is a big step for everyone. The feeling of safety in the person you are telling is a good start. Questions will race through your mind like "Will they believe me?" or "Will they hate me for what happened?" or worse yet "Will I be blamed for what happened?" You can answer these questions before you even share your experience by asking yourself these questions...
1. Has this person been supportive to me at other times in our relationship?
2. When I observe this person interacting with others, is there a degree of compassion and understanding they show to others?
3. Do you know this person to be non-judgmental and accepting of different points of view?
4. Have you ever known this person to make statements like "I told you so" or other accusatory comments?
Upon weighing the answers to just one or more of these types of questions...you can relieve some of the anxiety of telling. There are many different scenarios about how people acquire the knowledge of your abuse. An unfortunate truth at times is that others know because of being reported to the authorities. That's when things can get messy and it seems that EVERYONE knows your business. This tends to create a great deal of shame for the survivor and you just wish you could crawl under a rock and be forgotten. Alas that does not feel like it is ever going to happen and you feel even less empowered than ever before. But, there is hope here too. Now you know who knows...you've seen their reactions to the news...they know the facts about your abuse, but they don't know your feelings...use the above criteria for choosing someone to talk to, then take the time to discuss your feelings and you've taken another step on your path to healing.
Choosing how you will tell...
After you have determined who a safe person is for you to share your experience with...it is time to choose how you are going to tell. There are many different ways to tell that involve a number of medias or good old face-to-face contact. When I speak of different medias I am mostly talking of writing letters by phone, or the old fashioned postal service or by electronic mail. There of course are videotapes and audiotapes if you care to make use of these medias. The use of these the different types of medias may have a few disadvantages to face to face contact...first you do not see the initial reaction of the person, secondly, the person you sent the media to will more than likely want to talk to you about your experience in person...this leaves you wondering when they will call or show up on your doorstep...you may find it more empowering to be able to choose when to talk about things when you are prepared instead of sitting around wondering when you will be approached by others.
Telling....
Choose how you want to tell by whatever method feels most safe to you. Telling becomes more comfortable after you have told more than once. You might want to try calling your local abuse crisis centre to tell for your first time. You are not required to give your name or any other personal information about yourself. i.e. where you live, how old you are, etc. The advocates at a abuse crisis centre are not there to judge you, make fun of you, or call the police on you...they are there to listen to you and all you say to them is confidential. Also, when you speak to a trained advocate you can even ask many of the questions which have been racing through your mind and the advocate can help you to figure out the answers to your questions.
An advocate can help you to think of ways to tell others too. If calling a abuse crisis centre is not your cup of tea...you could try rehearsing what you are going to say to the safe person you have chosen by either talking to yourself in a mirror or setting up a stuffed animal or doll as your audience. Your real life listener will probably have questions for you. You may want to write down as many of the questions you think they may ask and try to answer them before you are in face-to-face contact with them.
When you have gotten together your courage and what you are going to say, choose a safe place for you to meet with your safe person. A nice cup of tea for both of you many help you feel a little more relaxed or you may want to have an object that feels safe to you close by or in your hand (i.e. grandma's locket that is very dear to you and brings you a feeling of warmth) before you begin. You may want to tell your listener that you would like them to listen to all you have to say before they respond to you or you may invite them to ask questions when you pause between the things you have to say. You should let them know that what you are about to say is difficult for you to tell and could be difficult for them to hear. This will clue your listener in on the difficulty and importance of what you are about to tell them.
You may tell your listener as much or as little about your attack as you feel comfortable in sharing. If your listener asks questions that you are uncomfortable in answering, tell them that at the moment you are unable to answer this question. Remember, this moment is about you and your need to talk, your listener can wait until you are ready for some answers. Telling others about your abuse is a difficult but courageous task. It can be as much empowering to you, as it seems frightening. Best of all, telling a safe person allows you to get your experience out into the open and not still bottled up inside of you. Silence is a dangerous thing; it is a stumbling block in the healing process. With courage and hard work, you too can remove all the stumbling blocks on the path of healing and reclaim your life.
Some more information to help you decide:
WHY TELL
I told someone about the sexual assault because . . .
- I didn't want this to happen to me again
- I didn't want this to happen to someone else
- The feelings kept building up inside of me, making me feel worse
- I wanted to take action against the person that assaulted me
- I was behaving differently at home and my parents kept asking what was wrong
- I realized that the problem was too big for me to deal with alone and I needed help
- I was having trouble eating
- I kept thinking about what happened and couldn't concentrate
- I was having trouble sleeping
- My friends couldn't figure out why I was acting different
- I hoped that by telling someone I would feel better
- I kept crying and my friends encouraged me to talk
- I needed some help deciding what to do
WHY NOT TELL
Here are some reasons individuals who have been sexually assaulted didn't want to tell . . .
- I thought it was my fault
- I was too embarrassed
- I thought people would talk about me if they knew
- I was afraid. He said he would come back and hurt me if I told
- I thought no one would believe me
- I just want to forget about it
- I want to deal with this myself
- I was afraid to tell the police
- My parents have enough to deal with
- My parents might get mad at me
- I was afraid of what my father may do
- I can't let my boy/girl friend find out
Here are some reasons specific to guys . . .
- I was afraid people will think I'm a "wuss"
- I thought people might think that I'm gay
- I'm embarrassed that another guy touched me sexually
- The offender threatened to beat me up if I said anything
- I didn't realize what was happening
- I thought this person was my friend
- I could lose my place on the team if I told on the coach
- What if girls won't like me anymore
|
WHERE TO TELL
Choosing a place is also very important. Consider finding . . .
- A quiet place where there are no distractions
- A place where you will not be interrupted
- A place where you feel safe
- A place where you can cry if you want to, shout if you want to, and not feel ashamed
|
WHO TO TELL
Choosing the right person to tell can help you feel better. It is important to tell someone that you trust. This can be your . . .
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
WHAT TO TELL
When you tell the person you trust, consider telling only what you feel comfortable talking about . . .
- It is more important to talk about how you are feeling than the details of the assault
- It's not necessary to talk about the incident all at once
- It's okay to tell a little-bit-at-a-time
- If talking about the incident is difficult for you, writing or drawing may be helpful
- If you choose to tell the police, you should tell them everything you can remember, even if some parts may be embarrassing like drinking, taking drugs or breaking family rules
|
WHEN TO TELL
The decision to tell someone becomes easier . . .
- When you feel ready to talk about it
- When you are strong enough to talk about it
- When you find the right person to talk with
- When you feel safe and supported
Difficult Question No. 2 - Will I ever be able to trust anyone again?
Learning to trust starts with trusting yourself. You need to trust and believe in your feelings, needs and emotions. You need to be able to express them and you need them to be responded to.
You may not be able to trust yourself to choose trustworthy people. Or your lack of trust may manifest itself in not setting realistic limits within the relationship.
Trusting your perceptions of others and of your own needs and limits is crucial to having self-esteem and, ultimately, healthy relationships. Otherwise you could find yourself constantly taking care of others at the expense of your own needs. It is also important to verbalize these needs so others do not have to mind read. You have to learn to trust your gut feeling response and then honour it. This means learning to say no when your gut feelings says no and learning to speak up when the little voice inside you says, Hey, you, wake up!! I need something.
Lack of trusting yourself can manifest itself in a lack of trusting others and ultimately a lack of trust in your relationship.
Many victims of child abuse are fearful of expressing their emotions, inner needs and feelings. As a result there is a lack of communication. This includes not talking about the abuse and results in that veil of secrecy being extended and reinforced. Perhaps it is because to show emotions is like a show of weakness, perhaps you are afraid of complete rejection. Do you think your partner has the time to deal with the abuse you suffered?
Don't underestimate the strength of your relationship. If there is a foundation of caring, love and mutual respect then the relationship will be able to withstand a problem such as this. There will inevitably be times when you regret having said anything at all, but really the whole thing will bring you closer together and cement your bond. If your partner is interested in you then they will take the time to listen and deal with your problems and feelings. Don't use your fears as an excuse not to take the first step to develop trust in your relationship.
Learning to trust yourself and others is a big step - it takes time and practise - don't expect just to be able to start trusting people because you have changed your mind set (although that is a good start!). These are the steps you need to take:
- Listen to your feelings and honour them.
- Communicate these feelings either to your partner, close ally or write them into a journal.
- Listen to the voice within, it will tell you how you are feeling, but learn not to listen to it when it puts you down or tells you that you are stupid or unimportant. This is the work of your inner abuser
- Challenge the Inner Abuser, combat his negative messages with positive, realistic ones
- Use positive affirmations to challenge these negative thoughts.
- Take risks: act as though you do trust - be very guarded and then see the result. If you find out you can't trust that individual then you have learnt from the experience and will be unlikely to repeat the mistake again with the same individual.
Difficult Question No. 3 - Will I ever get over my abuse?
I was asked not long ago if we Survivors ever come to the place in our recovery where we can put the abuse behind us and get on with our lives. I have been asked this question in many forms from my abusers, from friends, and from other family members. The questions left me quite defensive because it was implied I was doing something wrong by bringing up the past and dwelling on it. It was also implied that I was getting worse, or was stuck. But this time, I felt the question was out of genuine concern, and I realized that people who are not familiar with the recovery process don't understand it, and we can use this opportunity to educate them.
If you have a Survivor in your life, you may have wondered or even asked a similar question. I would like to answer this question out of my own life experience and from what I've gleaned from the experiences of other Survivors who have touched my life. Most people have no idea what goes on behind the closed door of a therapist's office between a client and therapist or in a support group setting. My hope is that you will have a better understanding of what abuse therapy is all about after reading the information.
One misconception some have is that we sit week after week in the therapist's office and talk about our abuse and our abusers. At some point in the process, we usually do talk about incidents of abuse. For some it can take years to feel safe enough to confide their abuse to someone. Some of us went into the therapist's office after having memories return or after realizing the significance of the abuse and disclosed fairly soon in the counselling sessions. For myself and other Survivors I know personally, talking about our abuse is very difficult, especially the first time. There is a lot of shame attached to each memory of abuse, and that has to be worked through. With each incident there may be feelings of "I asked for it. It was all my fault." That may come from a Survivor who sat on her daddy's lap and was fondled while doing so. He may have even told her she wanted it. These mixed messages lead to profound inner turmoil.
Some may only talk of the incident(s) one time, others may have a need to talk about it a lot until they've worked it through-that means they've remembered, put the guilt on the abuser and off themselves, and let the trapped anger, fear, and hurt out.
It was easier for me to understand when I realized it was, and still is, a grieving process. A person, who became a quadriplegic after being hit by a drunk driver, or lost a loved one, would rarely be condemned for going through the stages of grief. Many people know that the grieving process takes a minimum of a year, usually longer. It seems very difficult, however, for Survivors as well as those who love them to allow that same freedom and time to go through the process.
Abuse recovery is recognizing our many losses. Survivors have lost their childhood, their innocence, and their sense of value. Many have lost the father or mother relationship so needed by children. If a Survivor chooses to confront an abuser, often, instead of working out the issues involved, admitting the abuse, and getting help, the Survivor is further victimized. What semblance of relationship there once was is gone. All of these things need to be worked through. Survivors often don't have the skills or the tools to know how to work through these issues without help.
In my own therapy and in the six groups I have now been a part of over the last five years, both as participant and facilitator, most of the time is spent learning how to cope with the life we now live in a healthy fashion, learning how to take charge of our own lives, changing destructive behaviour patterns, learning to set boundaries, recovering from addictions and compulsive behaviour, learning how to live with our spouse, children, and friends, learning how to feel and express those feelings in a healthy, safe way instead of stuffing them or having them spill out everywhere, learning how to let go and move forward when our parents are no longer in our life, and learning how to deal with the day to day struggles that emotionally healthy people seem to do naturally. It took many years to get messed up inside, and it may take many years to undo all the damage and to heal.
But there is hope, and to answer the question, I would have to say we do get on with our life-in fact those of us in recovery are getting on with our lives everyday we hang in there. We may look pretty bad for a while, but so do people going through any other grieving process. The end result is worth it.
As Survivors come to the close of their recovery, they will be able to let you into their life in a closer, more intimate way. They'll come to the place where they can let it go because they will have gone through the pain, felt the feelings (including anger and forgiveness), and finally will be able to come to an acceptance of the events of their past.
With that acceptance will possibly be a sense of "wellness"-the realization that, "I am a better person because of what happened. I am more sensitive to other people's pain, I can help others, I'm more creative," etc.
Trust the Survivor in your life to know when it's time. If done prematurely, a Survivor can still suffer after-effects and symptoms as before. The time will come when there will be no more haunting memories to sort through, no more re-victimization going on. Tools will be ingrained to help through the difficult times. There will be a good support system in place and an ability to utilize that support. There will be an awareness of distorted thinking and the skills to combat it. The Survivor will be ready to face life boldly and confidently because she or he has faced the ugly demons of the past and won. It will come.
You can help, too. Give the Survivor time and space. Don't worry about the different stages you see her or him in. Survivors can get stuck at times or reach a plateau, but I haven't seen them stay stuck as long as they continue their recovery work and have the needed support. Plateaus can be an important part of the process to give time for reflection or changing focus. Also, you might experience this time as a relief.
It helps to remember that you don't have to fix the Survivor. That will only frustrate you both if you try. Just be there. Let the Survivor guide you in what is needed. It may be just listening, holding, or encouraging. You can facilitate in the healing process by sharing in the pain and rejoicing in the victories.
Finally, you can use this opportunity to get in touch with your own issues as well. As the Survivor lets you in on the pain, struggles, and the victories, it may bring up things for you. Grow along with your loved one. When the Survivor is no longer in crises, let her or him help you with your struggles. This will help keep balance in the relationship and will also help in the Survivor's own healing.
Being a part of a Survivors life can be a rewarding opportunity as you watch and participate in the miracle of healing in a life that has been damaged by childhood abuse.
Difficult Question No. 4 - The sexual abuse I suffered left me feeling confused about my sexuality. Does the abuse mean that I am gay?
Sexual abuse in child hood is a very serious issue with all victims. All attitudes and thought process, particularly to do with self-esteem, trust and sexual attitudes are formed early on in life during childhood.
If your early thoughts and memories contain abuse in any form your attitudes are adjusted to compensate for this early encounter with feelings and emotions that are actually well out of your league! This in turn may well affect your whole life and determine how you relate to sexuality later in life.
You must remember, now as an adult, that you had no responsibility over the abuse. Therefore you had no choices, or decisions to make. The responsibility rests entirely with the abuser.
Many sexual abuse victims are confused about their sexual orientation. It's hardly surprising that this happens. In many cases the abuse takes place during a time in the victim's life when they are developing, both physically and mentally. Any intrusion from the outside makes a marked affect, no matter how small or insignificant. Therefore when the victim has to deal with the emotional and physical consequences of sexual abuse they can become confused and disorientated.
Some victims who were sexually abused by offenders of the same sex confuse the sexual pleasure they got from the physical aspect of the abuse with the fact that they must be homosexual. In this case the victim must try to separate the two issues. Firstly the physical pleasure they may have derived from the abuse, is caused by their body's completely natural reaction to sexual stimulation. It's a bit like the feelings a child gets when they innocently touch themselves, or experiment with each other in a completely innocent way. When an adult perpetrates the abuse, although the psychological aspects are far more intense and the motives are completely different, the actual physical acts still produce the natural arousal. The victim should not be ashamed of these perfectly natural feelings. The confusing part is when the nice feelings are either mixed with pain or the mental scars of the abuse.
Difficult Question No. 5 - What are people going to think? Will their opinion of me change if I tell them?
No, society shouldn't think any different of you. In fact in my experience people generally hold you in higher regard. They are hugely respectful and can see the trauma you have survived.
There will always be some individuals who look upon you in a different light. These are the people that are highly prejudice and eccentric in other parts of life. They are hard to spot, but are in a minority. The good thing about this group of people is that nobody with any sense listens to their views anyway!
[ Back ]